Friday, August 11, 2006

Pulling Out The Soapbox

One in an occasional series of non-NIH rants.

Now is the time for all good fans to come to the aid of the team. Ladies and gentlemen, fair readers, and bloggers alike, we as Nationals fans are faced with a threat even greater than that posed by Yankees fans, brisket, and Screech combined. For, this coming Monday, the Washington Nationals through the channels of their official team website will start a vote on the finalists in the Show Us Your Pastime contest. Among them is the greatest threat to fan santiy that a team has ever considered.

Someone wants to give each and every person who shows up to games a whistle.

At first, this might not seem like a threat. It's even played down, saying the whistles would be for when the Nats hit a home run, but ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to consider the potential. I know that if you are reading this blog you are most likely not only smart but attractive as well, so it shouldn't take long to consider this question: think about the people who surround you in the stands at games, and think, do you want them to have a whistle at their disposal?

Think about every pitch an opposing pitcher throws, and think of someone in your section blasting their whistle to throw them off. Think about every swing that an opposing player takes, and think about someone in your section blasting their whislte to try and break concentration. This is not some idle threat, you know as well as I that there are people out there who would thus have the whistle in their mouth for ever single pitch of the game, whether at the beginning or end of the pitch. May I remind you that the series that just wrapped against the Marlins saw an average of over 300 pitches per game. And that's not taking into account people blowing the whistles while the Nats are running the bases, and generally at random points throughout the game.

This is something that has to be stopped.

MUST be stopped.

However, it is not enough to simply vote against the whistles. No. I am too worried that the "anything but whistles" vote could get split among the other three choices, so a united front must be offered. It is thus that I officially throw my support behind "It Don't Mean A Thing."

Tell your readers.

Tell your friends.

Tell anyone.

Remember, you can vote once a day.

And remember: the threat of the whistles is not one to take lightly.

Thank you.


At 11:29 AM, Blogger Nate said...

I see two possible solutions:

1. Launch a competing "Every Fan Gets an Airhorn" movement, to siphon off some of the moron vote from the whistle campaign.

2. Allow fans to bring bullwhips to the games. You haven't lived until you've bullwhipped a whistle away from some idiot one section over and two rows up.

At 1:13 PM, Blogger thurdl said...

Funny you should mention airhorns, since my girlfriend's exact reaction to the whistle threat was "oh god, why not just give everyone an airhorn?"

I think it's too soon for new suggestions, because the finalist vote is supposed to start Monday.


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